Changes to the blog

Hey everyone, it's been a while and I apologize for that! I've decided to come back to blogging but with a slightly different focus: instead of a run-down of what I'm up to, I'd like to muse on topics I find relevant. Hopefully this will be more interesting to read (and write!). Don't worry, I won't get too serious.

Now would be a lovely time to subscribe, if you are reading this! I know lots of people read via personal blog feeds (I'm partial to Friendfeed.com myself) but if you also want to subscribe to the Blogger site I'll feel slightly less unpopular! :)

A rundown

Oops, haven't written anything for a couple of weeks. Here's a basic list of some stuff I've been up to, in mostly-chronological order courtesy of my too-detailed daily log:

--volunteered at a nursing home and a soup kitchen

--attended two BBQs in one day

--read a college nostalgia book called COMMENCEMENT (recommended esp if you went to Barnard or a Seven Sisters school)

--had about 11 bizarro dreams

--dress rehearsal/tech/opening and first two performances of a show I produced (went so well)

--hosted my dear friend at my apartment for four nights and had a blast

--got my first pedicure of the summer

--was asked by a respected theatre producer to do a freelance event which was fun and paid!

--attended the Barnard reunion: reconnected with great people; drank a few glasses of wine and ran for class president (a five minute commitment that will yield a lifetime of jokes at my expense, I hope); danced the night away on a boat (the Intrepid), yielding some terrible foot blisters which were all worth it to see my friends dance in sailor hats and make up songs about being on a boat; "bridged the sisterhood gap" by speaking candidly with members of the Barnard class of 1955 (a real treat); lounged on the lawn; drank my first-ever bubble tea; had one of the most enlightening discussions about feminism ever discussed while getting trashed at the Heights; and danced like a sweaty maniac on the Columbia Steps (though I didn't jump in the penis fountains like SOME people.....). A wonderful weekend!

--read Sarah Silverman's hilarious memoir THE BEDWETTER (recommended)

--met up with some MJ fans and discussed a charity event we are planning

--had a picnic lunch with one of my favorite ex-co-workers

So all in all, pretty good stuff! Besides the hangovers, nothing to complain about. Everything's coming up Neener!

Hoot! Hoot!

There is a reason I have continued to work on my musical and my play, both in progress for quite a few years. It's not only that I love them -- I think they are really getting good. I'm working on music to the musical right now (just taking a short breather at the moment) and I'm feeling good. It's so much better than it ever was before. I know I always say that, but this time -- woah, it's gonna be good.

And it's 3:28am. I'm officially a night owl. Hoot hoot!

Reflecting on 27

I turned 27 on Sunday and partied it up the previous Saturday night. May is full of friends' birthdays, graduations, my own wedding anniversary and a slew of other memorable dates for me, and during this month I've been reflecting on life. I feel pretty good about things in general. I feel I'm growing, but not growing up (and I hope I never do grow up).

I can't even express how lucky and blessed I feel to have the amazing friends that I do. There is a part of me that will always be that awkward middle-schooler who once called everyone on the 'class list' directory and still couldn't find anyone to go to the movies with so I ended up going with my dad and when we got there two girls who had turned me down were there together. Oy, that one's still upsetting. Deep breath! Having close friends I can share everything with, and being married to one of the them to boot, is a treasure I only dreamed of when I was growing up. As I get older, I want to make sure I take the time to cherish each friend as they deserve.

It dawned on me that this could be a good year because "27" is numerically close to my lucky number 9, with 2 + 7 = 9 and 27 = 9 x 3 (and 3 is even the square root of 9). Things seem to be lining up, with my creativity hitting a new place as I actually have time to do some work.... so maybe good things will happen careerwise this year.

Everything's coming up Neener at 27!

Music as sculpture

Yesterday as I was composing I realized that creating music is not always building something from raw materials, like I always thought, constructing from small pieces a la a building or a tapestry. Sometimes it's like sculpting: listening to everything and cutting away the NOISE to reveal what was there all along. I just have to really LISTEN.

Dusting off my tap shoes

I returned to dance class today after a yearlong absence (oops; I had gotten lazy and distracted by other things). I took a tap class with my favorite teacher after signing up a few days ago on a whim.

Class was tough having been out of it for so long and I thought I didn't do the best job, but at the end a woman recognized me from previous classes and complimented me on my tap sounds, and I felt better! I love the rhythm in my body and I want to make a commitment to go once a week.

And guess what -- the song we did our combination to was... "I Want You Back"! Michael Jackson, my favorite dancer of all time, was clearly saying to me, "I want you to come back to dance, give it another chance!" I can't let him down, so I definitely will be back soon.

The best that can happen

In the last few weeks I've had several invitations come my way, and I thought, "That looks pretty cool! But.... I'm not sure if I'll know anyone there / I'm not sure if new people will be nice / I'm not sure how to get there / I'm not sure what to wear, etc."

These days I am trying my best to put these minor anxieties aside and just do the thing that looks cool or interesting. And for the most part it's been a great success! I'm proud of myself for getting off my butt and getting out of my comfort zone recently.

When I attended a fundraiser for a show recently, I knew I'd only know two people there -- but I went and had a blast and enjoyed the company of the new people I met. Same can be said for a college alumnae networking event I attended -- I only knew one person who'd be there but I met several wonderful new friends. I also participated in two Earth Day events: a town hall meeting and a tree planting, and I felt fabulous after both and also made new friends.

Turns out that none of my worst-case scenario predictions came true in any situation: I didn't spend an evening standing in the corner alone, or wear the wrong thing, or say anything stupid. I wouldn't consider myself shy in social situations -- and certainly not with people I know well -- but in the past I realized I've shied away from situations where I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. But now I'm finding I really like meeting new people, and when people are coming together for a common goal, almost everyone is willing to talk with me. And when I get going, of course I LOVE to talk!

So anyway, I'm going to continue to push myself to try some new things even if they're a little intimidating. It's always easier to sit around and do nothing, but a little bit of effort to get out there can go a long way. The best that can happen is pretty great, and much more likely than the worst that can happen anyway.

On 110%

Lately I've been thinking a lot about people who really "give their all" to their work. That 110% that people speak of -- a concept that both stresses me out and doesn't seem mathematically possible. I've always seen myself as someone who gives my all, and I certainly tell that story to myself, but do I really? If so, why do I accomplish so little?

I was just watching Oprah and she interviewed people with "dream jobs" such as florist to the stars and celebrity cake chef. Not my idea of a dream job, but I understand that people admire the creativity and autonomy that those positions offer. The first woman interviewed was the executive creative director for J Crew, and her cliched but true job tip was to do what you love and give 110%.

I think I gave 90-100% in my favorite position at my old company, but if I critique myself honestly, I didn't put quite as much of myself into the last position I filled there. I always say that last job wasn't a good fit for me (and objectively it wasn't -- my bosses, colleagues, friends, and an alumni career counselor all agreed), but would it have been at all different if I had given more, if I wanted to, or had to? But I wanted to do something else. So I am. But am I giving this 110%? I don't know, but I really, really want to.

I'm surrounded by the success stories of the people who fought hard for what they wanted. I'm 3/4 of the way done with the Moss Hart memoir Act One I previously mentioned, and I am so impressed by the persistence and dedication of the young Moss. Of course, professional theatre in the 1920s and early '30s was a very different world in many ways, with plays usually financed by one producer, cast and rehearsed in only a few weeks, etc. but there are some details that are so similar it could have been written yesterday. For instance, he gathers frequently for coffee with his young peers who also want to take the theatre by storm, and their frustrations seem to mirror the ones my friends and I have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Moss Hart daily as I finish his book. And I can't help but notice all these young super-achievers in today's culture. Lady Gaga. Kat von D on LA Ink. Even the younger generation of musical theatre writers who are around my age but actually well-known in the theatre community. My age and younger! Oh man, I am freaking out about turning 27 with so little to show for my years so far.... (Note: this is not a passive aggressive wish for people to leave comments saying I have accomplished things.)

And I've been thinking about Madonna lately too, not only because the "Power of Madonna" Glee episode this week was AMAZING. I really do look up to her as a woman who kicks ass, does it her way, doesn't apologize, and doesn't become irrelevant with age. I re-watched the Truth or Dare movie the other night and I just get a kick out of watching her be bitchy and beautiful and demanding and driven. (This is getting too long to write more about Madonna at the moment, but I may tomorrow because I may have more to say!)

Anyway, I'm thinking about what it means to be truly driven. I really want to be, and I'm willing to take that hard look at myself to figure out what's working and what's not. This isn't high school anymore, where that 89.5% average got rounded up to an A and everyone was happy. It seems 89.5% isn't good enough when I'm competing with 110%. I actually used to be very proud of those 89.5's actually, because it meant I could get by with the minimal effort necessary to still get an A, and knowing I didn't waste a bit of my energy was kind of thrilling. When I had a good average going, I would figure out how low I could possibly score on the final exam and still get an A average for the class. And in college I certainly honed my system of knowing exactly how much effort I wanted to put in for which grade. It was all kind of a breeze really, and I feel like I've never really been challenged until now, as I'm trying to make my own path and be a success in a city and industry full of talented type-A perfectionists.

So now I really have to unlearn my laziness, kick my own ass, and figure out if 110% is really possible.

Getting back in gear

After a few days of feeling kind of "blah" and unscheduled, I feel like I'm getting it together again. Over the past couple of weeks I certainly spent too many days sleeping till 1 or 2pm, alternating between pajamas and yoga pants, and believing Oprah is my best friend.

What have I been up to? I began helping a dear friend/frequent collaborator produce a show in a festival this summer, and today we had callback auditions which were so much fun. It's so exciting to be back in the room where theatre is made, being near talented people doing their thing.

I also got my butt off the couch to two networking events recently: one for Barnard alumnae in the entertainment industry, and one fundraiser for a friend-of-friend's theatre production. Both were super fun and I met fabulous people at both. I realize I effing love theatre people; it's one of the main reasons I love the biz so much. I met several passionate, intelligent up-and-comers and I thank the stars that I live in a city chock-full of talent AND have Facebook to keep up with all of them!

This week also brought the news that the musical my husband has been working on going back several readings is officially planning on a Broadway opening. Great news indeed, and we both are pumped! We're not counting chickens before they hatch nor buying new opening night attire just yet, but I definitely am excited my husband will likely get another opportunity to work with a team he adores. (I should also mention that he has played a few one-off gigs recently with some great Broadway talent -- I'm too embarrassed to put their names here and have them come up in Google Blog Alerts, but I was so proud of him!).

Plus, one of my favorite people in the world will be moving back to NYC soon, and this feels like the best news of all! (She reads the blog but I really do feel it will usher in a new era of fun times.)

Anyway, I'm enjoying the nice spring weather, busting out my collection of spring jackets (my favorite segment of my wardrobe), and getting out of my funk, I hope. Everything's coming up Neener! :)

Moss Hart really gets it.

I'm currently reading ACT ONE, an autobiography by the playwright Moss Hart. I'm 100 pages in and it is fascinating, a must-read for every person involved with the theatre. I picked up this copy for $1 in a thrift shop in San Francisco, and it was one of the best single dollars I've ever spent (having never played the lottery, ever... ooh, there is a nice clean "never have I ever" for a future game!).

Back to the book -- one detail I particularly like is young Moss's first job in theatre in the 1920s: an "office boy" for a road producer with an office (where else?) in the New Amsterdam Theatre!

Moss Hart has an amazing way of describing the magic and the heartache of a life in the theatre. There are so many quotable passages, and here is just one that I read tonight. After a stint as an actor Moss decides he is not cut out for the profession:

"It was a conclusion I did not come to easily. I was wrestling with a dream that had satisfied the needs of my childhood, and the elements of fantasy attached to that dream ran deep and strong. To give it up, to let it go, was to relinquish a secret part of myself that had sustained me through the years."

He says this so much more eloquently than what I often refer to as "pleasing my fourteen-year-old self." I do a lot of stuff to make that girl happy, but she isn't here anymore! That was almost half a lifetime ago.... yet most of the decisions of my life go back to events that happened then. All the choices and ambitions of adulthood running back to a few key moments in childhood and adolescence.

An "H" word

I'm still a little off on my schedule, going to bed at about 4:15am last night. I wondered if the sun would be up soon! And a show called "Early Today" was on and I thought, "no, wait -- it's still yesterday!"

Today I feel like a total housewife. I did three loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and SCRUBBED the bathroom floor for the first time ever in this apartment (I didn't get a chance to do this when I moved in). The word "housewife" makes me almost throw up in my mouth a little though -- at least if I'm referring to myself. No judgment about other women's goals, but when I see myself through the lens of a married woman doing chores around the house, I feel like I'm letting down my feminist foremothers. Plus housewife sounds like you are married to a house. Somehow that "H" word has taken on semi-positive connotations (wealth, affluence) with the Real Housewives franchise, etc. but I can't really understand that!

However, the laundry still needs to get done, and my husband certainly does do his share of chores, with each of us contributing what we like best and are good at. He is a seriously good vacuum-er, bed-maker (with hospital corners!), and cat litter box scoop-er. But now that I don't have a traditional job to go to every day I'm certainly doing more around the apartment and it's a little weird, especially since I grew up with a mom who did almost everything for me.

Alright, I'm totally NOT a housewife or homemaker -- I'm a musical-maker really, but the world just hasn't recognized this yet! When I completed my census form I checked the "unemployed" box, I guess closer to the truth?

Oh and I also watched Dr Phil today and read O Magazine. That really doesn't make it any better, does it?! :)

I guess labels don't really matter at the end of the day, but I do want to someday become that woman I know I can be.....

Midtown

Today I was in midtown for a little bit, right in the business district that used to be so familiar.... and now I can barely remember myself being a part of that hustle and bustle. The people my age in pressed pants running out to pick up Pax/Europa for lunch.... it just seems so far away.

So off schedule, but feeling creative!

I feel exhilarated after fixing a song I've been working on writing for what seems like forever. The bridge was not fitting in at all -- too many notes, too many words, too much going on, so I went simple and I love what I have now. Weee! Then I danced all around my apartment loving my life for the moment, but unfortunately I think I sprained an ass muscle. I dance constantly but I've never felt this particular glute pain. Hopefully it will subside.

Also I feel like I can't sleep anytime soon... I've been hitting the hay around 3am these days anyway, which I should probably try to shift back to non-vampire territory so I can function with other humans? Perhaps....

5 Minutes

One productivity tip I just got from a favorite podcast, 30/20 Vision, is to immediately do any incoming task that will take 5 minutes or less. It's a good one I think.

Motivation follows action

The following have inspired me lately:

--Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, MD. A friend lent me this book and it has really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Reading it is like several amazing sessions with a cognitive therapist, in my opinion, and I've been recommending it to people. One particularly great chapter is called "Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It" and one thing I took away is the concept that motivation follows action, not the other way around. It's natural to think that one must "get motivated" somehow and then perform tasks, but in fact the act of doing something, ANYTHING, even if unrelated, will create motivation to do more. I also learned lots of other lessons which I may write about at another time. This is definitely I book I can see myself going back to again and again.

--The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Dr. Drew Pinksy and S. Mark Young. Another fascinating book which is both a careful look at modern-day celebrity behavior and youth culture, plus an invitation to examine your own narcissistic tendencies (which I admit I certainly do have.... does anyone write a blog and not have some narcissism?).

--The Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central. The latest episode made me guffaw with joy. I love the style of this show and it's inspiring me as I brainstorm a comedy web series.

Happy Andrew Lloyd Webber's birthday, everyone, and talk to you soon!

Structure please!

I definitely DEFINITELY need more structure in my life than I currently have, and I might be going crazy without it.

Today my mom reminded me that I've been in school since I was two and a half, during every summer I had pretty specific plans including camp, vacations, and work. Right after college I started work, and I didn't ever take off more than a week at a time once per year, and I always traveled during that time off. No wonder this is such a weird time for me right now.

On a previous blog entry, my wonderful friend Tania made these four suggestions and I'm really going to try them to get motivated. Right now I'm doing none of them. In her words:

1. Always have a plan for the day.
2. Have a consistent bedtime and wake-up time.
3. Get active.
4. Limit "screen time," meaning TV and computer, because it sucks me in, doesn't actually use up my energy nor give me energy, thereby putting me in a suspended state where I get nothing done but don't want to do anything BUT surf/watch.

I'll report back!

1:12pm, seriously?

I'm pretty impaired without my glasses; I can't even make out the time on the cable box across the room in the morning! Today I woke up naturally and squinted at the time. The blurry image looked short, only three digits for sure, so it must be either 8:00ish or 9:00ish, right? Nope, try 1:12pm. D'oh! I keep sleeping away the whole damn day! To be fair, I did stay up until 3:30am, but still, there is something to be said about missing all the precious daylight hours.

Okay, I am started to think I need a better plan than what I'm doing....

Making my outside as casual as my inside

A few months ago I considered jeans my casual pants. How times have changed!

While working:
Dressed nicely = lined dress pants/trousers
Medium = unlined non-denim pants
Casual = jeans

Now:
Dressed nicely = jeans
Medium = yoga pants
Casual = pajama bottoms

I'm starting to have this fantasy about wearing pajama bottoms everywhere.... I could be a trendsetter!

Also I now have days where I don't wear any makeup for the whole day. I don't think I've done this since I was like 12, and I know that sounds crazy. I formerly did not wear a LOT of makeup; I had a three step process: basic cover-up concealer, mascara, and lipstick -- and always the same brand and shade of each. And within the past year I worked in eyeliner and I think it works for me. So I guess now it's a four-step process, plus ensuring I haven't sprouted a third eyebrow in the middle of my forehead overnight.

Anyway, these days I've been emerging sans makeup when I go running, eat or shop locally, or hang around the apartment pretending to be productive but actually wasting my life. And I'm starting to feel comfortable showing my "real" face to the world in a way I never was in high school or college when I had to wear SOMETHING on my face nearly always. It's liberating and I feel good!

Don't worry though -- I promise I am still bathing, using deodorant, etc. If I write a post one day about eliminating those things, please contact me from a safe distance and tell me I've lost it. :)

How to get motivated?

I just Googled "how to get motivated" and read a bunch of un-useful websites and wikis. Blerg.

Today I saw my shrink and his main advice to me is to get out of the "grieving" stage of not having a job and get off my butt to do something, anything (well, he phrased this differently in his crazy Russian-accented way). But how, HOW DO I DO THIS, UNIVERSE? I've totally lost momentum and it's hard for me to do simple tasks these days. But then again, I did wake up today, get dressed, and leave the apartment, so today's not a total fail.

Just say yes

Last Wednesday through Saturday I had a short-term gig stage managing a school play at a private school downtown. A friend/former colleague recommended me and although at first I wasn't sure if I'd be good at it, I said yes anyway. A chance to practice a theatrical skill, earn a few bucks, and heal the world in an area I care about, arts education. And it turned out great!

The kids (age 10-17) were bright and adorable and fun to work with, not to mention more mature than some adults I've worked with in the past! They made me really miss being in school, and they reminded me of all the good memories. I usually fixate on the trauma of being a high schooler and forget how much fun stuff there was, like the freedom to put on a musical at school! If only I could return to high school with the self-confidence and self-awareness I have today... but then it wouldn't be high school, would it?

I realized I really do like working with kids. I especially enjoyed the fact that I was able to work WITH the stage crew and actors, figuring out how to solve problems together. The older I get the more I appreciate childhood and adolescence and all the creativity that children are blessed with.

Secondly I had a blast actually working INSIDE a theatre again, however small the show, because I've spent far too long in offices feeling disconnected from the final product. This was a good chance for me to get my hands dirty (literally).

This was also exactly the kind of short-term job that is exciting to me at this commitment-phobic time in my work life. I'm so glad my friend thought of me for it, and I'm glad I went for it and went outside my comfort zone. A good reminder to "just say yes."

Saving money

I've been trying to save money now that I'm not working, and I've succeeded in cutting out or trimming back lots of little things without missing them:
1) manicures - I'm doing them myself now and I'm getting better at it

2) cabs - unless it's a safety issue, but 99% of the time the subway is fine

3) expensive drinks at bars - a bottle of wine or a six pack at home is much more economical

4) mp3 purchases - I'm streaming for free on Grooveshark.com, borrowing CDs from friends, and enjoying what I already own

5) brand name beauty/household products - I'm buying whatever's on sale and it's been totally fine! In fact I've gotten to try some higher end hair products because of recent deep discounts at Duane Reade

6) Starbucks - I got a home brewer and have been using it regularly.

The main thing I'm having so much trouble with (and it's a biggie for me) is the food thing. As I type this I'm waiting for a pad thai delivery. :) I have cooked a few times but I rarely feel like taking the time to cook AND eating what I cook. In fact I've wasted some money by planning meals, not feeling like cooking, and letting the ingredients spoil. I have willpower in some areas but so far the joy of cooking has mostly alluded me.

How to...

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to import an old library into iTunes. I'm reading about it online but can't figure it out. Frustrating.

However this made me laugh. When I begin typing "how to" into Google, the following terms are the most searched for, according to the auto-complete:

1) How to tie a tie
2) How to kiss
3) How to lose weight fast
4) How to get pregnant
5) How to solve a rubix cube
6) How to cook a turkey
7) How to make a website
8) How to download youtube videos
9) How to write a resume
10) How to get a girl to like you

How many of them can you do? Proving again that my years of education may have ultimately yielded another inept quarterlifer with a BA in music, I can only say I know how to kiss, make a website and write a resume. The getting pregnant thing is kind of self explanatory... but I'm no expert and wouldn't be able to advise anyone typing it into Google I'm sure! I definitely cannot tie a tie, cook a turkey, or solve a rubix cube. If I ever need to, that's why Google exists!

So yeah, I'm inept at a lot of things, including fixing this #$%*ing iTunes!

Totally rando

My day consisted of seeing two theatre readings (both good in different ways), a dermatologist appointment, a nap, and dinner with friends. Pretty good day! I feel like a theatre producer already. :)

Right now a neighbor is playing "Billie Jean" for the third time in the last two days -- every time I hear that bass line though the ceiling I'm like "woo hoo!" Would it be weird if I knocked on his/her door and told them to turn it up? :)

And I just have to post this link because it's too funny (if you're on my Facebook you may have already seen these ponies sing).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wouG4GpL1-I

This post is totally rando (rando is the new random btw) so I hope you don't mind!

I heart caffeine and sleeping

I really think I am a caffeine addict because I wake up in the morning with a pounding headache that only gets better after drinking coffee.

I just spoke to a friend about this (a fellow Gemini - that just seems like an important detail), and she said, "That's cool though. I've always wanted to be addicted to something. People addicted to coffee or cigarettes are always more interesting." I love that because it's true. It's better to be interesting than healthy, especially if you're an artist (just don't tell Dr. Oz I said that).

My friend also said she is happy every time I post a Facebook status that says "slept twelve hours again" or something of the like, because it makes her feel better. I think we should all sleep 12 hours a few times a week. As I've said before, I'm an Olympic-level sleeper. I just wish I could compete....

I just ran into my landlord as I was going downstairs to do laundry. He's a totally great person, very supportive of artists too. But yet I sometimes feel shame even walking around my building during the workweek. Is it wrong that I don't have a traditional job at the moment? Of course not, but I still sometimes feel that little insecurity.

I miss being a kid

I'm getting to that point where not having much structure in my schedule is making me feel like a total waste. Plus I feel like I'm getting slightly, like 20%, sick.

I took a walk to a local park just to get out and I watched the kids play wallball and basketball (two of my playground faves!). I wished I could have joined their games! I may have even been better than a few of them too! Well, at least I'm taller.

I guess I just miss being a kid. Or actually, I still feel like a kid and I miss having their actual lifestyle and playtime. Childhood is awesome. It's days like today when I look at happy school children playing and I feel like I've learned nothing; they're the ones who are actually getting it right.

What time it is?

Without a regular work schedule, I never know what day it is, or even what time it is. I'm drifting toward my "natural" state of being a night owl. I consider myself an Olympic-level sleeper, but I hate doing it too early. It's 2am and I'm not even tired yet. I kind of feel pumped to create something, but I don't know what.

Am I really jaded about theatre? Wow.

Recently I've found myself getting burnt out on theatre. In fact I've been walking around town for weeks composing a blog post in my head about this very topic.

Theatre, especially musical theatre, has been my passion for the better half of my life but lately I've been feeling kind of blah about it, not that excited for the upcoming Broadway season, preferring pop music on my ipod, etc. I've had moments when I think "maybe I should toss the whole Broadway dream. Maybe I should write pop songs instead of musicals, or write for TV, or become a choreographer or something." Now, none of those things are WORLDS away from writing musical theatre (they're all creative and performing art-sy), but this is one of the first times I've even CONSIDERED I could be happy doing ANYTHING besides writing and producing my own musicals. It's how I've defined myself for over a decade.

I'm probably just jaded by the "industry", from five years of seeing it all from inside out, and I'm now romanticizing industries I know less about.

However, last night I finally had a theatre experience that moved me again, that gave me chills and made me feel things. I saw the Gallery Players' mounting of one of my favorite musicals, CAROLINE OR CHANGE, in Brooklyn. I was an intern on CAROLINE's original run at the Public Theater and I've adored this show since then. Being in that rehearsal room was one of the highlights of my life so far, and I realize this especially now that I have some perspective on it. That perfect Tesori/Kushner score makes me excited about musical theatre again. It was bliss to hear it in full again last night, and to sit near people experiencing the show for the first time.

So there is hope I'll recover from my jadedness. I guess I really do need this break I've been given!

Clutter

My apartment may be cluttered, but my brain isn't!

I think.

Jolted awake

Wow, I am doing a terrible job of waking up lately. I wanted to wake up at 8am today, but here it is at 11:15am and I was jolted awake by the Fresh Direct delivery buzz. I was in the in middle of the scariest dream: Love Never Dies (the Phantom sequel) was premiering in New York and I was working at the opening night which was targeted by terrorists! (I hope my typing the "T" word does not flag the government to begin reading this blog.... well, they will probably find it uninteresting soon enough.)

The dream opening night DID go off without any problems, except at the end of the night when Andrew Lloyd Webber was saying goodnight to me, I wanted to snap a photo and I realized I didn't have a camera AND I WASN'T WEARING ANY MAKEUP! Glad I'm awake and out of the dream! In the light if day I realize Photoshop would be my friend in that situation.... but in the dream I was mortified!

Hmm, maybe am I scared of showing my "real face" to the world? I don't THINK so.... I've actually been going out in without makeup, in my yoga pants and sneakers quite a bit lately. I just have been having the strangest, most vivid dreams recently.

Seriously I must snap myself into alertness because I have so much stuff I want to do today.

But, bah, morning's are terrible. The only thing good about them is it's the perfect time to pluck my eyebrows into submission because my nerves are literally not awake enough to feel pain yet.

If this post makes no sense, it's because I'm sleepwalking.

I hate going to the doctor

I'm finally catching up with all of my doctor's appointments. I can't believe how much I'd put things off while I was working. I don't think I've been to the dentist in a year and a half... even though I have dental coverage! Ugh, at least I'm getting it together now.

I just got back from my annual physical. My doctor is pretty cool and I've been seeing him for several years, but my appointment just felt bizarre today. First of all, I felt like I couldn't communicate very well; maybe because I was fasting and hadn't had any coffee yet? Maybe, because I felt so much better after hitting the Dunkin Donuts right after.

Anyway, when I told my doctor I wasn't at my job any longer, he asked what I was up to now, and I said "nothing!" and he seemed concerned. I mean, I'm doing THINGS obviously, duh! I don't know. Does becoming increasingly obsessed with online forums count as doing something?

Also he went on a totally random spiel about studies that advise different amounts of alcohol that are okay to drink per day or week. And then he said, "but with you being married and all, I'm not worried about you." Hmm? Kind of a random stereotype, methinks... I mean, it depends who you're married to! If your husband is your best drinking buddy, then maybe you'll be drinking more! :-P

Then we started talking about the "having kids" issue that has begun to come up every time I visit the doctor or GYN, and he reminded me that I'm in my peak fertility now in my mid-20s. Oh my god, how did I ever get so old?!?! Ugh, I can't believe I just typed the word "fertility"; something about that word makes me kind of queasy. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find all these New York City kids cute as hell, especially when they're well-behaved in restaurants or are asking precocious and thoughtful questions to their parents. But man oh man, I can't BELIEVE nature has designed women to have children at my age! If I were designing things, I'd make 35 a minimum age, not an upper-limit slowing-down age. I mean, I still feel like a kid myself. Eep, now I'm feeling unnecessary anxiety....

Then I almost passed out after accidentally looking at the needle drawing blood, and then I got all depressed when they weighed me and I've gained back 5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in weeks but knew that was coming. My eating was so terrible on vacation plus I've barely been exercising since it's been so cold. I'm still doing way better than this time last year, but I need to get back on the health wagon.

So for all these reasons, I felt kind of crappy after my appointment, but I regrouped at H&M where I tried on lots of cool jackets. I didn't buy any because I literally don't have room for any more jackets in my closet.... and I shouldn't be spending money on clothes right now either I guess. But it's annoying because I really like the fashions in the stores right now! I love the faux leather jackets, military-style buttons, long tee shirts, bangly jewelry.... I really want to update my wardrobe with some "cool" pieces because I feel like I have like 80% work clothes right now and I just want some cooler pieces. But of course, you stop working and the cash flow decreases.... oh, life is unfair. I wish I'd bought that first jacket I tried on.

This has been your complain-y blog post for the day. Please don't stop reading my blog forever if you found this post annoying; I'll buck up soon.

Team speed cleaning

Team speed cleaning is the only way to really tackle a mess in my opinion. Today Jake and I took one hour to clean out the second bedroom AKA the music room, which was recently AKA "the abyss."

Jake: "Where are my black jeans?"
Neener: "Um, I dunno... check the abyss?"

But we found lots of things we were missing, like his black jeans, my dressy loafers, just about every guitar effect pedal known to man (from my perspective), and several bags worth of trash which was promptly tossed. I'm not kidding, I even found a banana peel. To be fair, I think this was mine and only from a couple of days ago. Eww, why did I even mention that? Now none of you will want to come over.

BUT.... now my apartment is getting a heck of a lot closer to being hang-out-able, and I have the momentum to continue cleaning this place up!

Age differences and quarter-life crises

Jake and I have started watching The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo (all his fault), and today over poached eggs and chocolate pancakes we were discussing the age differences in the show. Of course some of these rich older dudes are looking for 20-something blondies, and it's so obvious that they will not be happy together in the long run.... not BECAUSE of their age difference, but because the attributes they prize are so shallow.

I've been thinking about age differences lately. My husband is one of the ten million February birthdays among the people I know, and he just turned 35 last week. Our 8 years & 3 months age difference is pretty awesome actually. When we first started going out, he was 26 and I was 18 (!) and we were actually in a similar place at the time: broke and crazy, as he had quit his teaching job to take a stab at playing guitar full-time, and I had moved away from home for the first time and started college in NYC. Now that I look back on this, I was in the first of three phases of the quarter-life crisis (newfound freedom, approx. 18-22), and he was in the second phase (figuring out your place in the real world, approx. 23-27).

Now I feel like I'M in that second phase as I try to figure out what the #@*& I'm doing, and he's already past the final third phase (getting it together and starting to see success, approx. 28-32). I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through this transitionary phase without support. If we were both in crazy, inner-turmoil, changing-every-day life stages it could be really tough, so I'm happy we have the age difference that we do and that Jake is so content with where he is right now.

My husband really is one of my biggest inspirations and I aspire to someday have the level of contentment that he does. He is thrilled to play guitar and make music for a living, and he often gives thanks for the ability to do so. And he tells me frequently how lucky he feels to be happily married and living in a nice apartment in NYC. For some weird reason he says he didn't expect those things to happen for him. He just has a really good attitude of gratitude (wow, now there's a phrase I should trademark and write a book about and then be on Oprah....).

And of course I love the story of how he got here, quitting a teaching job that was stable and cushy but not the right fit for him, and moving with me into the teeniest apartment of all time so he could live in the City and pursue a professional music career. I hope that someday I can trace some success back to this weird moment in my life as I leave the safety of my old job and reach out for something else....

Daytime TV... again! :-P

I feel I can geek out here on my blog, so I'll say this again: Daytime TV is pretty awesome. My recently unemployed friend who I had lunch with today reminded me: that last hour of the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hoda -- amazing! It's the secret hour of the Today show that working people don't know about.

Is it terrible to DVR both Dr Phil and Dr Oz (both on at 3pm), and watch them before getting to Oprah, which tapes at 4pm? I just wish all this self-improvement were on earlier in the day so there would still be daylight hours left when I'm all inspired to change my life.

Also, I've never explored the Netflix "watch instantly" feature until the middle of last night when I watched the first eight episodes of 30 Rock. It's been one of my favorite shows and I secretly want to be Tina Fey when I grow up (or at least some combination of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Michael Jackson, and Tina Fey... yeah, that would be perfect), so I figured I should catch up on the earlier episodes. Tina Fey's brand of comedy is pitch-perfect in my opinion, although a couple of the earliest 30 Rock episodes are weird! The pilot kind of freaked me out, but most pilots do.

Hmm, what's on today? No........ must...clean...apartment.... ooh, it's the "Dr Phil family" episode with a shocking revelation! I bet someone is pregnant. I think we have a winner....

Am I lazy?

Sometimes I worry that, deep down, I'm actually really lazy. I have always told myself the story that I'm ambitious, tenacious, hard-working... but what if, like a self-esteem class gone wrong, I'm fooling myself?

I have so many goals in life but some days I can't fathom changing out of my pajamas. I can think of good arguments to abstain from any activity that requires me to change out of my pajamas pants, really.

Ahh, but I don't want to be a couch potato! I want to take over the world! But can I please take it over via videoconference, filmed from the waist up, so I can stay in my comfy pants?

Wifi, blizzards, and birthdays

My internet connection is still on the fritz (possibly because of this Class Three Killstorm that's hit the NY area?) but my kind neighbor lent me his wifi password. Eternally grateful! I love you, internet; let's never fight again!

I spent about 60 minutes on the phone with the DSL company today. I always try to be nice to tech support people because I actually worked at a computer help desk years ago, but it's hard to stay calm when the bureaucracy of the company itself is so infuriating. I spoke to several different representatives who communicated incorrect info about my situation to the next person and I had to keep correcting them, telling them which lights on the modem were actually solid, blinking, etc.

Later today I braved the blizzard to help out my friends who are putting on a show downtown. Then it took about an hour and a half to get back home (twice as long as it should have, conservatively) because of a smoke condition in a subway tunnel. I ended up having to backtrack and ended up taking a grand total of six different trains for a few stops apiece. Between this and the DSL, I wasted so much time today. I did cook dinner though, my famous feta chicken with zucchini, so huzzah!

Tomorrow is my husband's 35th birthday. Wow, he could run for president now. But he probably wouldn't get very far for other reasons -- too honest, too Jewish, etc. But then again I'd despise being First Lady anyway. If people reported on what I wore every day and ignored what I said, I'd go nuts on everyone.

No internet makes Neener go crazy!

Arg, my internet is not working in my apartment so I'm catching up with things in a coffee shop with wifi. I can't live without the internet! I'm going slightly mad without it.

Not as motivated in the last couple of days.... but trying to do something with my life! Trying.... At least today I helped a friend brainstorm a name for HER new blog. That's productive, right? :)

Talk to you all soon.

Happy? Alright, I'll take it!

I can't wait to see my shrink on Monday and tell him how happy I feel these days, finally! Right now I'm sipping coffee I made myself, responding to emails to awesome new people I've met recently, considering what time I'd like to change out of my pajamas.... and I feel pretty damn fabulous.

It's kind of sad to think how much of my time I've wasted in the "blahs" in the past. Months or years really, watching MJ's "Stranger in Moscow" music video and thinking: "yeah, that's exactly how I feel." Or like that poor little Zoloft cartoon blob in the "before" section.

When I saw several former co-workers on Friday night, they said I couldn't stop smiling. What did I look like before? A complainy, frowny downer? I'm glad I was able to make friends anyway, and I'm glad they still welcome me into their world.

Coffee shop: bohemian paradise?

Today I had lunch and coffee at a little independent coffee shop right near my apartment. I had never been there before but must have walked by a million times meaning to try it sometime. Astonishingly there are lots of places in the immediate neighborhood that I've missed for the past 8.5 years!

The second I walked in I could see myself spending hours there, sipping lattes, using the wifi, and chatting with my fellow locals. And the food is excellent and cheap, the decor is that perfect bohemian style, the guy at the counter was really friendly.... I'm so excited! I have always wanted to have more of an official hangout, and this could be one.

Will this help or hinder my productivity? Remains to be seen.... but I did do some writing brainstorming while there. Atmosphere was conducive to thinking (or maybe that was the caffeine?). And I was excited to have wifi, as I cannot be far from the internet today as there appears to be interesting stuff going on the Michael Jackson case (which I've been following closely).

Yay coffee shop!

Ideas in Motion

Yesterday I got a fabulous idea like a bolt from the blue for the play I'm working on: a key piece of background history for one of the protagonists who I'm trying make a little deeper. I'm really psyched about it!

The idea came to me when I took a walk outside just to get a coffee. Movement in my body, usually dancing, walking, or running, is essential to the creative process to me. The rhythm and energy of physical motion is linked to the rhythm and energy of composing music or creating dramatic scenes. It's one reason I'm often dancing when I'm alone. It gets my mind flowing!

When I used to sit at a desk most of the day I would often have to get up and take a pace around the big loop of the office layout. I would often come back with some idea, however small, or at least the energy to do work.

I WISH the weather weren't so cold here in NYC. I want to go run around Central Park again so badly. I feel like a big fat blob after eating so much on vacation and returning to the cold weather.

Housework: kinda sucks as much as it sounds

In a reversal from the last five years, my husband will be busy during many of the traditional "workdays" this month while I have unstructured time during the day. I happily agreed to take on all those miscellaneous household tasks that need to happen during the day.

Wow, there is a lot of random stuff. I really appreciate all he has done to keep our lives running in the past. Each task has a hidden aspect that makes it harder or more annoying than it seems on the surface.

Signing for the Fresh Direct (grocery delivery) is easy, but re-packaging the raw chicken breast family pack into individual baggies for the freezer: more complicated and also kind of gross. Taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, picking the dirty socks off the floor, cleaning the cats' litter box...

Oh yeah, and FEEDING the cats -- I totally spaced on this one yesterday and am the worst cat mom ever. I honestly did not realize they eat twice a day now, two smaller portions around 8am and 4pm, part of a health regiment for the fatter cat Blade (I really don't think he is FAT, just thick and athletic). But yesterday I missed the second feeding. The cats didn't seem to mind too much, but now that I think about it they WERE hanging around me a lot and maybe they wanted something. I wish they could just talk. My husband got home at midnight and I confessed I hadn't remembered to feed them. They then wolfed down the food and I felt terrible. I won't forget that one again!

Housework kinda sucks I guess, but a fair price for not sitting at a desk all day I guess. But I can see how it is in fact "work."

"Catch-up days are essential" ...

... is a favorite thought of procrastinators like myself. Yesterday I spent almost the whole day "catching up" on Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Friendfeed (all the blogs I read -- a recommended feed reader by the way!), plus a handful of forums I keep up with closely. PLUS the random saved shows on the DVR. And the YouTube videos I've been flagging and meaning to watch. Plus this blog. All this electronic catching up. The e-catchup?

Yet the real physical "stuff" of my life hasn't gotten touched yet -- the mail from the past week, the second bedroom full of STUFF that hasn't gotten set up yet, the bags of clothing I still haven't found a place for in this new apartment.

Working on it.... but I hate STUFF!

Lazing on a Starbucks afternoon

I wanted to get out of the apartment today, so I walked a few blocks to Starbucks. Along the way I noted all the places I'd rather hang out during my days of freedom: two independent coffeehouses and a bistro with a fantastic lunch special. I can't wait to try all of the weekday lunch specials in the area. Maybe I could eat out (and cheaply) for lunch and then make my own dinner. Hmm...

But I went to Starbucks to finish off a gift card. I thought it would probably be empty at 2:45 on a Wednesday, but it was packed, with a line of about 7 customers and no available tables.

Who are all these people hanging at Starbucks during the day? I am guessing:
--college students
--freelancers
--the recently unemployed
--trust fund hipsters?

I also see senior citizens and moms around the city during the day. Totally different crowd than I'm used to!

By the way, I think my caffeine dependency has gotten serious. Should I try to wean myself off or accept the addiction? All I know is I did not have one coherent thought today until I got a venti latte. After about half of it, everything was coming up Neener again!

Back in a New York state of mind

Back in NYC after a fabulous vacation to Naples and Orlando, FL. No complaints about any aspect of my trip -- it was easy travel, mostly good weather (except for the last two days), and a great way to clear my mind. I feel I am thinking more creatively that ever and that my mind is finally rid of some of the constant "chatter" that had been playing in the background and taking up space.

My husband has gone immediately back to work this morning for a reading of a new musical. I am trying to wrap my head around all the goals I have for myself for the next month or so! It's weird to finally have time.... I have to stop saying "if only I had the time" as my main excuse.

New song idea

As I was sitting in the bathtub (yes, I love baths and always have) in the Naples condo, a melody came into my perfectly blank mind. And I like it! It could be a good theme song to the video series I've been thinking about doing.

I sang this tune for my husband to make sure it wasn't obvious plagiarism (always a fear) and then transcribed it sloppily in my notebook. I really need to brush up on my ear training/transcription skills though because I had a harder time than I used to.

I love when ideas come from that mystical place out there. Those are the best! It's one thing to have the craft to know what to do with a good idea, but how can one explain where that initial nugget of a good idea comes from? Those are actually the moments when I most believe that some force is watching over me, and all I can say is "thank you!"

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

I'm currently in Naples, Florida on vacation. In the last decade I've probably been here 9 or 10 times, as my parents own a rental condo here. Naples is a beautiful and quiet beach town, perfect for clearing my head. It feels like a home away from home -- familiarity without stress.

This trip I'm not forcing myself to "get everything in." I'm not going to do any touristy things or take day trips to other cities (in the past we've driven to Key Largo, Miami, etc). In the past few days I've slept in and taken daily naps, consumed lots of wonderful food and drink (definitely less expensive than NYC), and done a lot of thinking. Hopefully I will be in the right head-space to do some writing tomorrow, maybe even on the beach! (Although maybe I'm idealizing this "writing on the beach" thing... hmmm...)

I welcome the slower pace of Naples for now. I know if I lived here year round the slowness and lack of things to do would drive me crazy. Also, everyone here is really friendly, and even though I've spent a lot of time here, that openness always startles me. Today at the Barnes & Noble cafe this older dude started talking to my husband and me and he was totally nice, and sometimes I don't even know how to react to that! I'm not used to it. Unsolicited human interaction with no "catch" -- weird.

Also, maybe because of the median age of the inhabitants, Naples seems stuck in the not-too-distant past. There aren't that many things around that remind me that it's 2010. I hear songs on the radio I haven't heard in years, like "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" (Paula Cole) and "Nothing Compares 2 U" (Sinead O'Connor) -- I love both of those songs, by the way. And everyone dresses in that classic "Florida" way, nothing that looks remotely "in fashion" and I love it. I can wear any random jeans and shirt from H&M and I feel uber-fashionable!

In addition, the supermarkets are full of delicious-looking food and wide aisles, pitchers of beer at the bowling alley are only $6, and there is a stunning sunset every night -- the best show in town. It's one of the only "shows" in town in fact; the only theatre that is moderately interesting is the national tour of Spring Awakening currently in Ft Myers, but I think I can skip it, having seen SA off-Broadway, on B'way twice, and on tour in DC! :)

It's just a nice break from everything that has stressing me out about NYC. A break from my messy apartment, from the fast-pace of the theatre industry, from the cold that keeps me indoors, from hours on the internet checking the same websites obsessively. The only things I miss are my friends and my kitties, and they'll be waiting for me when I get back.

PS - In case you are wondering how I can not have a job and still go on vacation, just know that this is the cheapest vacation ever! Early-bird specials for me! I promise I'm not breaking the bank on this one. :)

Waking up is hard to do

I have said that in my post 9-to-6 days, I'd be awake by 9am and dressed and finished with breakfast by 10am. So far it's been a struggle to wake up before 10am. I think I'm catching up on five years on being sleep-deprived! I hope to turn it around soon though.

I have to say it is really enticing to do absolutely nothing. I will have to fight hard to motivate myself! The TODAY show for instance -- I used to only watch a few minutes around 8am.... but did you know there are like seven hours of it, and the later hours are even crazier (i.e. full of Kathy Lee Gifford)?

Actually, now I see how much daytime TV has improved since my childhood. Back then it seemed to be mostly soaps and trashier talk shows like Springer, Sally Jessy, etc. (not that I'm knocking those... they taught me a lot about drag queens and paternity tests). Now you can fill a whole day with "good" talk shows like Ellen, Oprah, Dr Phil, Martha, The View, Dr Oz... even the Bonnie Hunt show isn't bad! Haha, this might be the most embarrassing paragraph I've ever written, but so be it. Daytime TV rocks!

But I'm not going to spend my whole life in front of the TV. Then I'd be neglecting my true love, the internet! :)

In seriousness, I have done some productive things in the last couple of days. Yesterday I joined two friends/former colleagues for lunch, walked 3.5 miles home for exercise and fresh air (now my body aches as I haven't worked out since it got cold out), spent an hour on the phone with Verizon fixing my internet connection, unpacked more stuff, and cooked dinner (!).

Today I'm catching up on lots of little errands and will attend a reading of a new musical that my husband is playing on. I always wanted to be able to see industry readings during the day, and now I finally can!

The last day

I have a bit of catching up to do since I had no internet all week!

Friday was my final day at work, and it was more emotional than I expected. I handed out thank you notes to people who positively impacted my time at the company, and I said my goodbyes. I cried or got choked up a few times, even though I make it a rule to never cry at work! It felt like graduating, or maybe like leaving home.

I had exit interviews with my direct supervisor in the creative department and then the head of HR. Although the specific content of the conversations should probably stay private (since they were "official" and all!), I will say that both were very positive and encouraging. I am very lucky to have so many mentors, and I will miss the "bosses" in addition to my peers.

Late in the afternoon I decided to go downstairs to the theatre beneath our offices. I sat in the mezzanine for about 20 minutes and cried. All the emotion from the last five years (and especially the last year or so) poured out of me. So many memories.... not to mention the experiences I had as a young teenager in that very Broadway theatre! It sounds stupid, but I actually said "thank you" out loud, just in case anyone (i.e. a higher power, or maybe our theatre ghost) was listening.

At the end of the day the office was very quiet, as it was after 6pm and the Friday before a holiday weekend. All of my personal things had been taken home or were packed up and ready to go. I went in for my final meeting, a discussion with my other boss, the lead producer and president of the company.

Truthfully, two favorite moments of the last year were the two times I sat down with him privately. Alone in his oasis of an office I felt he actually understood me and my creative goals. If I ever write an autobiography, maybe I'll detail our entire conversation on my final day. If things work out well for me, his eloquent and honest words of encouragement will be the perfect dramatic transition into the era when my dreams start to come true.... Either way, it felt great to get his blessing to go forth into the world and make my art with no hard feelings about my departure.

I walked out the doors for the last time with the fellow assistant who was my closest colleague in the last nine months. He was a huge part of what made my final chapter good -- as down as I felt at times, he and the other wonderful personalities around me made it so I never dreaded coming to work. At the very least, I got to sit next to creative, passionate people who were constantly saying alternately hilarious and profound things.

Yep, I'll definitely miss the people the most. I miss them already... but I will do my part to stay in touch. They are pretty much the coolest theatre people I've ever met, and I hope we're all ruling the world together someday.

Until then.... fun-employment? Haha, that and creating some musical theatre masterpieces (I hope).

Ch-ch-changes

The last 48 hours have been insane. Hopefully good-insane, but it's been so much change at once that it's hard to tell at the moment. But things are good (I think). I'm lying in bed in the middle of a ginormous mess that looks like one of those TV shows that features hoarders (i.e. the most random crap everywhere). But I'm in a brand new apartment!

Yesterday, January 15th, was my final day at work, but it also became an apartment moving day for me as well. Changing jobs and moving apartments are two very large and stressful things that I don't recommend scheduling on the same day if you can possibly help it!

The last time I had so much Change with a capital C was in early 2005 when I started work, moved apartments, produced a show, planned a wedding, got married, and walked at college graduation. However this was still spread out between a couple of months!

I will blog all about this sudden apartment move, the way this two-bedroom next door seduced me, all the work farewells, the exit interviews, the bittersweet emotions.... but I have to clear a path to the door and eat brunch first. :) All updates will come soon, and there's a lot to say!

Off the high dive....

Last night I went out for farewell drinks with some colleagues and I had a wonderful time. I've said it over and over, but I will miss the fabulous people at this job. They are all so kind, creative, and interesting.

Two people from "days past" also showed up -- my former boss from my last position, whom I adore and was so happy to see, and my close friend who has moved onto a different division of the same company (i.e. my former "work spouse" -- because she and I would check in with each other so frequently during the work day!).

I know I will NOT lose touch with all of the amazing people but I will certainly miss seeing them every day. I will do my part to make sure the connections and friendships last, and hopefully we will work together again someday. My colleagues in the 20-something age range often talk about the day WE will rule the theatre world... and maybe someday it will happen!

The "only in New York" moment from last night happened when we couldn't access the original bar because the street was closed off due to a bomb scare at the corner Starbucks. We decided on another nearby venue, quickly alerted the attendees, and everything was fine!

The night is kind of a blur this morning, not only because a few of us ended the evening at Dallas BBQ, downing a few Texas-sized drinks and sticky wings, babyback ribs, etc.

But earlier in the night (when I was still coherent), my former boss said something that stands out now -- leaving the company can feel like jumping off a high dive without knowing if there's water in the pool... but there is water down there. I just have to jump first....

Imparting knowledge

I've spent the previous two days training a temp how to do my job. I'm very lucky that he is has interned at the company before (as I did) and is an intelligent, eager, and just out of college (graduating in 3.5 years -- as I did!). I'm thrilled to be leaving all my methods and tips to someone who I'm positive will be competent. I hope he enjoys the experience and gets something of it.

I actually think I am better at teaching someone how to do my job than I am at doing it myself! I intellectually know every detail and can explain the nuances in a clear way -- but actually DOING it every day just doesn't seem to be the right thing for me anymore.

Today I wondered if I would feel differently about this particular position if I were 22 instead of 26. I think I would be more eager to please, as I was in my first position as a receptionist for the same company. Back then I worried about people liking me, and I don't think I let a lot of the "real me" out at work. Now I wonder if I let too much of it out! :-P

I do feel good about imparting the knowledge I've acquired over the years to another person who will hopefully excel and make his own mark. It feels like closure to give away all of the information as generously as possible. Maybe someday some of those minor details will fade and make room for new information. Although right now I can't imagine a day when I forget the phone numbers, accounting codes, and quirks of the office that are so deeply memorized and ingrained! Maybe someday....

RAGTIME closes today

RAGTIME, which closes today, is one of the most beautifully staged Broadway productions I have seen in a long time. I saw it twice in the last few weeks and was moved to tears. I wish more people could have experienced it.

I'm depressed that it couldn't last, though I understand its problem was marketing, not anything on stage. Maybe that's more depressing actually.

There are times when I wonder, "If this doesn't work, how will my ideas ever stand a chance?" I don't throw in the towel, but premature closings like this one make it tempting.

2009 in Status Updates - Creativity & Productivity

I actually really enjoy looking back past year each January. When I found a Facebook app called "Year in Status Updates" I was psyched! I could view all of my status updates for 2009! So this is what I chose to "update" the world on via Facebook.

Here are the status updates relating to my creativity and productivity. I'm learning a lot from looking at this list, especially how much I have procrastinated on projects in '09. I'm trying to figure out how to do things differently this year.

Creativity & productivity

• practiced piano last night for the first time in forever... the cats were like "oh yeah, that thing is more than just a step to the windowsill; it makes noise!"
  (January)
  
  
• "hey, what a way to spend a day" -- learned so much from my reading!
  (February)
  
  
• is almost convinced that doing stuff is better than sitting around.
  (March)
  
  
• I want to get stuff done, but I wish it could happen in an energetic 3-minute musical montage.
  (March)
  

• After 7 years of procrastination, I finally got my NY State ID card. And it only took an hour!
  (April)
  

• A quote from me tonight to my collaborators: "It takes me 30 minutes to write a song, but a year to complain about it!" (can also substitute "procrastinate" in there....)
  (April)
  
  
• might have a new idea for a musical....??
  (June)
  Note: I still like my idea but haven't done a thing with it.

• finally bought Logic. Can't wait to start recording again!
  (June)
  Note: I haven't even begun to use the program yet. Wow. :(
  
  
• I could be in the time-wasting olympics
  (July)
  

• Actually working on my play... kind of getting to that zone... (so why am I on Facebook you ask? because I can't stop! :)
  (July)
  

• Ok, so I'm not going to get enough sleep again, but I think I wrote an awesome "raise the stakes" angry scene for my play.... internal reading tomorrow.... yay!!
  (July)
  

• Wait, where did my night go? Too much internet, not enough time.... Oh, how could I say that.... I heart you Internet!
  (August)
  Note: The Internet: a much bigger time-waster for me than the TV.
  

• enjoyed my boss's master class on producing. also nice to explore the arts festival in Brooklyn.... (DUMBO: not just a flying elephant)
  (September)
  
  
• Creative exhilaration has turned to complete frustration... throwing out almost everything I worked on today. Womp womp. :(
  (October)
  
  
• After several days of meaning to read this book I bought on combating procrastination, I began it. But then I took a break to update my Facebook status to tell you I was reading it. Hmmm... I may have a problem focusing....
  (October)
  

• is getting better at hitting the SEND button on scary emails. Just do it, as they say.
  (December)

This is what bravery, strength, and honesty look like

I have never been more proud of my hero Andrew Lloyd Webber for his strength in successfully fighting prostate cancer. Please read his detailed account of his story, told with honesty and wit as always, that will hopefully increase awareness among men.

Daily Mail article

He never ceases to amaze me, ever. I count my lucky stars that I discovered his music as a young teenager; where would I be without that inspiration?

"Where are you going?"

Today I told three more colleagues at work that I am leaving next Friday. All three instantly responded with "Where are you going?"

I guess I am flattered that they are assuming I must be going to another exciting job. It would be worse if they all said, "I'm so sorry, what happened?" :)

All of my co-workers were very supportive when I gave my spiel about creative projects, shaking it up after five years, possibly trying some freelance work, etc. I realize that anyone who voices concern is really just showing that they care, in there own way. People react differently to change (I learned this from Who Moved My Cheese).

One fellow assistant told me not to worry when "other" people don't understand how one could leave a job in a recession without having something else lined up. She reminded me that we always have options, and some people are just too afraid to utilize their options. It was wonderful to hear this today because my faith was wavering a little.

Weird

"What a weird day!" I exclaimed at the end of the work day.

My colleague informed me that I say this frequently at the end of the day, but really I can only remember saying this once or twice. But he's probably right. I forget half of the things I say anyway (because I talk too much?). That's one reason I don't lie -- I don't remember the details of the lie enough to make it convincing. It's also a reason I have to immediately write down any good ideas I have.

Anyway, it was a weird day.

It started off with an excessive amount of coffee consumed. Paired with only a few hours of sleep, this turns Regular Neener into Anxious Zombie Neener. I have gotten addicted to coffee only the last six months. I used to get wired after one small cup; now I practically need a coffee I.V. to get out of bed.

Then I got a phone call (on my direct line!) from my favorite lyricist of all time. I won't put his name here because it would be embarrassing if he has a Google-alert on his name (I mean, I do!). But you probably know who this is! I really can't believe he knows who I am. I wish I had said something witty, but I'll be happy with the fact that I sounded like a regular human.

In the afternoon I got overwhelmed today with the amount of things I want to wrap up at work in the next few days. I also had several of strange conversations with co-workers. Perhaps this is why I got so little done today.... Anyway, if I work with you and you are reading this, I apologize that I was acting so off-the-wall today. If you want to stamp my hand "insane" a la the Simpsons "Stark Raving Dad" episode, I'll understand.

Only six more days of work to go. That's the weirdest part of all!

New Year, New Blog, New Neener!

You may be thinking: "Just what the world needs, another 20-something creative type blogging about how special she thinks her life is."

Well.... interesting thought. Maybe I should just quit now. But that's what "The Old Neener" would do.

In 2010 I am now "The New Neener" and things may be starting to go my way! Even if they're not, I vow to have a better attitude about life and, at the very least, not spend every post on this blog bitching and moaning about stuff (like my last blarg, I mean blog.... which irritates me every time I look back at it now). And I won't self-promote constantly. Or pretend I have the single most interesting life in the whole world (only my biggest fans think that, and there are only maybe two of those so far).

But I do want to chronicle a new era in my life. In nine days I will depart my job after five years there. In a way it feels like graduating, since it feels like I've been in a practical classroom in a way. Sometimes I refer to my job as my "masters in commercial theatre producing" since that's what it feels like! And since I've worked at this job longer than I've attended any one school, I feel so comfortable there and will really miss it. Since I began immediately following college, I have practically grown up there. And I haven't had a break without knowing what the "next step" is in... well, ever!

People's first question when I tell them I am leaving my job is, "Where are you going?" and I have said, "Well, I'm not sure yet" or "I don't have any SPECIFIC plans." In a way, I feel like I'm climbing a steep, spiraling staircase while blindfolded. I have no idea how many steps there are or what's at the top, and I just hope I'm at least on the right staircase.

Actually, I do have some specific plans (which I'll leave for a future blog post -- cliffhanger!) but they don't involve going somewhere from 9 to 6 every day, at least for the time being.

So come along for the journey if you like! I've never not known as much as I don't know now, so it might be entertaining to see what happens to me. Who knows? I certainly don't, and I love it.

Your friend,
Neener

(or Janine, J9, JM, J-Mac, Nee-Nee... I answer to many names)