A rundown

Oops, haven't written anything for a couple of weeks. Here's a basic list of some stuff I've been up to, in mostly-chronological order courtesy of my too-detailed daily log:

--volunteered at a nursing home and a soup kitchen

--attended two BBQs in one day

--read a college nostalgia book called COMMENCEMENT (recommended esp if you went to Barnard or a Seven Sisters school)

--had about 11 bizarro dreams

--dress rehearsal/tech/opening and first two performances of a show I produced (went so well)

--hosted my dear friend at my apartment for four nights and had a blast

--got my first pedicure of the summer

--was asked by a respected theatre producer to do a freelance event which was fun and paid!

--attended the Barnard reunion: reconnected with great people; drank a few glasses of wine and ran for class president (a five minute commitment that will yield a lifetime of jokes at my expense, I hope); danced the night away on a boat (the Intrepid), yielding some terrible foot blisters which were all worth it to see my friends dance in sailor hats and make up songs about being on a boat; "bridged the sisterhood gap" by speaking candidly with members of the Barnard class of 1955 (a real treat); lounged on the lawn; drank my first-ever bubble tea; had one of the most enlightening discussions about feminism ever discussed while getting trashed at the Heights; and danced like a sweaty maniac on the Columbia Steps (though I didn't jump in the penis fountains like SOME people.....). A wonderful weekend!

--read Sarah Silverman's hilarious memoir THE BEDWETTER (recommended)

--met up with some MJ fans and discussed a charity event we are planning

--had a picnic lunch with one of my favorite ex-co-workers

So all in all, pretty good stuff! Besides the hangovers, nothing to complain about. Everything's coming up Neener!

Hoot! Hoot!

There is a reason I have continued to work on my musical and my play, both in progress for quite a few years. It's not only that I love them -- I think they are really getting good. I'm working on music to the musical right now (just taking a short breather at the moment) and I'm feeling good. It's so much better than it ever was before. I know I always say that, but this time -- woah, it's gonna be good.

And it's 3:28am. I'm officially a night owl. Hoot hoot!

Reflecting on 27

I turned 27 on Sunday and partied it up the previous Saturday night. May is full of friends' birthdays, graduations, my own wedding anniversary and a slew of other memorable dates for me, and during this month I've been reflecting on life. I feel pretty good about things in general. I feel I'm growing, but not growing up (and I hope I never do grow up).

I can't even express how lucky and blessed I feel to have the amazing friends that I do. There is a part of me that will always be that awkward middle-schooler who once called everyone on the 'class list' directory and still couldn't find anyone to go to the movies with so I ended up going with my dad and when we got there two girls who had turned me down were there together. Oy, that one's still upsetting. Deep breath! Having close friends I can share everything with, and being married to one of the them to boot, is a treasure I only dreamed of when I was growing up. As I get older, I want to make sure I take the time to cherish each friend as they deserve.

It dawned on me that this could be a good year because "27" is numerically close to my lucky number 9, with 2 + 7 = 9 and 27 = 9 x 3 (and 3 is even the square root of 9). Things seem to be lining up, with my creativity hitting a new place as I actually have time to do some work.... so maybe good things will happen careerwise this year.

Everything's coming up Neener at 27!

Music as sculpture

Yesterday as I was composing I realized that creating music is not always building something from raw materials, like I always thought, constructing from small pieces a la a building or a tapestry. Sometimes it's like sculpting: listening to everything and cutting away the NOISE to reveal what was there all along. I just have to really LISTEN.

Dusting off my tap shoes

I returned to dance class today after a yearlong absence (oops; I had gotten lazy and distracted by other things). I took a tap class with my favorite teacher after signing up a few days ago on a whim.

Class was tough having been out of it for so long and I thought I didn't do the best job, but at the end a woman recognized me from previous classes and complimented me on my tap sounds, and I felt better! I love the rhythm in my body and I want to make a commitment to go once a week.

And guess what -- the song we did our combination to was... "I Want You Back"! Michael Jackson, my favorite dancer of all time, was clearly saying to me, "I want you to come back to dance, give it another chance!" I can't let him down, so I definitely will be back soon.

The best that can happen

In the last few weeks I've had several invitations come my way, and I thought, "That looks pretty cool! But.... I'm not sure if I'll know anyone there / I'm not sure if new people will be nice / I'm not sure how to get there / I'm not sure what to wear, etc."

These days I am trying my best to put these minor anxieties aside and just do the thing that looks cool or interesting. And for the most part it's been a great success! I'm proud of myself for getting off my butt and getting out of my comfort zone recently.

When I attended a fundraiser for a show recently, I knew I'd only know two people there -- but I went and had a blast and enjoyed the company of the new people I met. Same can be said for a college alumnae networking event I attended -- I only knew one person who'd be there but I met several wonderful new friends. I also participated in two Earth Day events: a town hall meeting and a tree planting, and I felt fabulous after both and also made new friends.

Turns out that none of my worst-case scenario predictions came true in any situation: I didn't spend an evening standing in the corner alone, or wear the wrong thing, or say anything stupid. I wouldn't consider myself shy in social situations -- and certainly not with people I know well -- but in the past I realized I've shied away from situations where I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. But now I'm finding I really like meeting new people, and when people are coming together for a common goal, almost everyone is willing to talk with me. And when I get going, of course I LOVE to talk!

So anyway, I'm going to continue to push myself to try some new things even if they're a little intimidating. It's always easier to sit around and do nothing, but a little bit of effort to get out there can go a long way. The best that can happen is pretty great, and much more likely than the worst that can happen anyway.

On 110%

Lately I've been thinking a lot about people who really "give their all" to their work. That 110% that people speak of -- a concept that both stresses me out and doesn't seem mathematically possible. I've always seen myself as someone who gives my all, and I certainly tell that story to myself, but do I really? If so, why do I accomplish so little?

I was just watching Oprah and she interviewed people with "dream jobs" such as florist to the stars and celebrity cake chef. Not my idea of a dream job, but I understand that people admire the creativity and autonomy that those positions offer. The first woman interviewed was the executive creative director for J Crew, and her cliched but true job tip was to do what you love and give 110%.

I think I gave 90-100% in my favorite position at my old company, but if I critique myself honestly, I didn't put quite as much of myself into the last position I filled there. I always say that last job wasn't a good fit for me (and objectively it wasn't -- my bosses, colleagues, friends, and an alumni career counselor all agreed), but would it have been at all different if I had given more, if I wanted to, or had to? But I wanted to do something else. So I am. But am I giving this 110%? I don't know, but I really, really want to.

I'm surrounded by the success stories of the people who fought hard for what they wanted. I'm 3/4 of the way done with the Moss Hart memoir Act One I previously mentioned, and I am so impressed by the persistence and dedication of the young Moss. Of course, professional theatre in the 1920s and early '30s was a very different world in many ways, with plays usually financed by one producer, cast and rehearsed in only a few weeks, etc. but there are some details that are so similar it could have been written yesterday. For instance, he gathers frequently for coffee with his young peers who also want to take the theatre by storm, and their frustrations seem to mirror the ones my friends and I have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Moss Hart daily as I finish his book. And I can't help but notice all these young super-achievers in today's culture. Lady Gaga. Kat von D on LA Ink. Even the younger generation of musical theatre writers who are around my age but actually well-known in the theatre community. My age and younger! Oh man, I am freaking out about turning 27 with so little to show for my years so far.... (Note: this is not a passive aggressive wish for people to leave comments saying I have accomplished things.)

And I've been thinking about Madonna lately too, not only because the "Power of Madonna" Glee episode this week was AMAZING. I really do look up to her as a woman who kicks ass, does it her way, doesn't apologize, and doesn't become irrelevant with age. I re-watched the Truth or Dare movie the other night and I just get a kick out of watching her be bitchy and beautiful and demanding and driven. (This is getting too long to write more about Madonna at the moment, but I may tomorrow because I may have more to say!)

Anyway, I'm thinking about what it means to be truly driven. I really want to be, and I'm willing to take that hard look at myself to figure out what's working and what's not. This isn't high school anymore, where that 89.5% average got rounded up to an A and everyone was happy. It seems 89.5% isn't good enough when I'm competing with 110%. I actually used to be very proud of those 89.5's actually, because it meant I could get by with the minimal effort necessary to still get an A, and knowing I didn't waste a bit of my energy was kind of thrilling. When I had a good average going, I would figure out how low I could possibly score on the final exam and still get an A average for the class. And in college I certainly honed my system of knowing exactly how much effort I wanted to put in for which grade. It was all kind of a breeze really, and I feel like I've never really been challenged until now, as I'm trying to make my own path and be a success in a city and industry full of talented type-A perfectionists.

So now I really have to unlearn my laziness, kick my own ass, and figure out if 110% is really possible.