The best that can happen

In the last few weeks I've had several invitations come my way, and I thought, "That looks pretty cool! But.... I'm not sure if I'll know anyone there / I'm not sure if new people will be nice / I'm not sure how to get there / I'm not sure what to wear, etc."

These days I am trying my best to put these minor anxieties aside and just do the thing that looks cool or interesting. And for the most part it's been a great success! I'm proud of myself for getting off my butt and getting out of my comfort zone recently.

When I attended a fundraiser for a show recently, I knew I'd only know two people there -- but I went and had a blast and enjoyed the company of the new people I met. Same can be said for a college alumnae networking event I attended -- I only knew one person who'd be there but I met several wonderful new friends. I also participated in two Earth Day events: a town hall meeting and a tree planting, and I felt fabulous after both and also made new friends.

Turns out that none of my worst-case scenario predictions came true in any situation: I didn't spend an evening standing in the corner alone, or wear the wrong thing, or say anything stupid. I wouldn't consider myself shy in social situations -- and certainly not with people I know well -- but in the past I realized I've shied away from situations where I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. But now I'm finding I really like meeting new people, and when people are coming together for a common goal, almost everyone is willing to talk with me. And when I get going, of course I LOVE to talk!

So anyway, I'm going to continue to push myself to try some new things even if they're a little intimidating. It's always easier to sit around and do nothing, but a little bit of effort to get out there can go a long way. The best that can happen is pretty great, and much more likely than the worst that can happen anyway.

On 110%

Lately I've been thinking a lot about people who really "give their all" to their work. That 110% that people speak of -- a concept that both stresses me out and doesn't seem mathematically possible. I've always seen myself as someone who gives my all, and I certainly tell that story to myself, but do I really? If so, why do I accomplish so little?

I was just watching Oprah and she interviewed people with "dream jobs" such as florist to the stars and celebrity cake chef. Not my idea of a dream job, but I understand that people admire the creativity and autonomy that those positions offer. The first woman interviewed was the executive creative director for J Crew, and her cliched but true job tip was to do what you love and give 110%.

I think I gave 90-100% in my favorite position at my old company, but if I critique myself honestly, I didn't put quite as much of myself into the last position I filled there. I always say that last job wasn't a good fit for me (and objectively it wasn't -- my bosses, colleagues, friends, and an alumni career counselor all agreed), but would it have been at all different if I had given more, if I wanted to, or had to? But I wanted to do something else. So I am. But am I giving this 110%? I don't know, but I really, really want to.

I'm surrounded by the success stories of the people who fought hard for what they wanted. I'm 3/4 of the way done with the Moss Hart memoir Act One I previously mentioned, and I am so impressed by the persistence and dedication of the young Moss. Of course, professional theatre in the 1920s and early '30s was a very different world in many ways, with plays usually financed by one producer, cast and rehearsed in only a few weeks, etc. but there are some details that are so similar it could have been written yesterday. For instance, he gathers frequently for coffee with his young peers who also want to take the theatre by storm, and their frustrations seem to mirror the ones my friends and I have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Moss Hart daily as I finish his book. And I can't help but notice all these young super-achievers in today's culture. Lady Gaga. Kat von D on LA Ink. Even the younger generation of musical theatre writers who are around my age but actually well-known in the theatre community. My age and younger! Oh man, I am freaking out about turning 27 with so little to show for my years so far.... (Note: this is not a passive aggressive wish for people to leave comments saying I have accomplished things.)

And I've been thinking about Madonna lately too, not only because the "Power of Madonna" Glee episode this week was AMAZING. I really do look up to her as a woman who kicks ass, does it her way, doesn't apologize, and doesn't become irrelevant with age. I re-watched the Truth or Dare movie the other night and I just get a kick out of watching her be bitchy and beautiful and demanding and driven. (This is getting too long to write more about Madonna at the moment, but I may tomorrow because I may have more to say!)

Anyway, I'm thinking about what it means to be truly driven. I really want to be, and I'm willing to take that hard look at myself to figure out what's working and what's not. This isn't high school anymore, where that 89.5% average got rounded up to an A and everyone was happy. It seems 89.5% isn't good enough when I'm competing with 110%. I actually used to be very proud of those 89.5's actually, because it meant I could get by with the minimal effort necessary to still get an A, and knowing I didn't waste a bit of my energy was kind of thrilling. When I had a good average going, I would figure out how low I could possibly score on the final exam and still get an A average for the class. And in college I certainly honed my system of knowing exactly how much effort I wanted to put in for which grade. It was all kind of a breeze really, and I feel like I've never really been challenged until now, as I'm trying to make my own path and be a success in a city and industry full of talented type-A perfectionists.

So now I really have to unlearn my laziness, kick my own ass, and figure out if 110% is really possible.

Getting back in gear

After a few days of feeling kind of "blah" and unscheduled, I feel like I'm getting it together again. Over the past couple of weeks I certainly spent too many days sleeping till 1 or 2pm, alternating between pajamas and yoga pants, and believing Oprah is my best friend.

What have I been up to? I began helping a dear friend/frequent collaborator produce a show in a festival this summer, and today we had callback auditions which were so much fun. It's so exciting to be back in the room where theatre is made, being near talented people doing their thing.

I also got my butt off the couch to two networking events recently: one for Barnard alumnae in the entertainment industry, and one fundraiser for a friend-of-friend's theatre production. Both were super fun and I met fabulous people at both. I realize I effing love theatre people; it's one of the main reasons I love the biz so much. I met several passionate, intelligent up-and-comers and I thank the stars that I live in a city chock-full of talent AND have Facebook to keep up with all of them!

This week also brought the news that the musical my husband has been working on going back several readings is officially planning on a Broadway opening. Great news indeed, and we both are pumped! We're not counting chickens before they hatch nor buying new opening night attire just yet, but I definitely am excited my husband will likely get another opportunity to work with a team he adores. (I should also mention that he has played a few one-off gigs recently with some great Broadway talent -- I'm too embarrassed to put their names here and have them come up in Google Blog Alerts, but I was so proud of him!).

Plus, one of my favorite people in the world will be moving back to NYC soon, and this feels like the best news of all! (She reads the blog but I really do feel it will usher in a new era of fun times.)

Anyway, I'm enjoying the nice spring weather, busting out my collection of spring jackets (my favorite segment of my wardrobe), and getting out of my funk, I hope. Everything's coming up Neener! :)

Moss Hart really gets it.

I'm currently reading ACT ONE, an autobiography by the playwright Moss Hart. I'm 100 pages in and it is fascinating, a must-read for every person involved with the theatre. I picked up this copy for $1 in a thrift shop in San Francisco, and it was one of the best single dollars I've ever spent (having never played the lottery, ever... ooh, there is a nice clean "never have I ever" for a future game!).

Back to the book -- one detail I particularly like is young Moss's first job in theatre in the 1920s: an "office boy" for a road producer with an office (where else?) in the New Amsterdam Theatre!

Moss Hart has an amazing way of describing the magic and the heartache of a life in the theatre. There are so many quotable passages, and here is just one that I read tonight. After a stint as an actor Moss decides he is not cut out for the profession:

"It was a conclusion I did not come to easily. I was wrestling with a dream that had satisfied the needs of my childhood, and the elements of fantasy attached to that dream ran deep and strong. To give it up, to let it go, was to relinquish a secret part of myself that had sustained me through the years."

He says this so much more eloquently than what I often refer to as "pleasing my fourteen-year-old self." I do a lot of stuff to make that girl happy, but she isn't here anymore! That was almost half a lifetime ago.... yet most of the decisions of my life go back to events that happened then. All the choices and ambitions of adulthood running back to a few key moments in childhood and adolescence.

An "H" word

I'm still a little off on my schedule, going to bed at about 4:15am last night. I wondered if the sun would be up soon! And a show called "Early Today" was on and I thought, "no, wait -- it's still yesterday!"

Today I feel like a total housewife. I did three loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and SCRUBBED the bathroom floor for the first time ever in this apartment (I didn't get a chance to do this when I moved in). The word "housewife" makes me almost throw up in my mouth a little though -- at least if I'm referring to myself. No judgment about other women's goals, but when I see myself through the lens of a married woman doing chores around the house, I feel like I'm letting down my feminist foremothers. Plus housewife sounds like you are married to a house. Somehow that "H" word has taken on semi-positive connotations (wealth, affluence) with the Real Housewives franchise, etc. but I can't really understand that!

However, the laundry still needs to get done, and my husband certainly does do his share of chores, with each of us contributing what we like best and are good at. He is a seriously good vacuum-er, bed-maker (with hospital corners!), and cat litter box scoop-er. But now that I don't have a traditional job to go to every day I'm certainly doing more around the apartment and it's a little weird, especially since I grew up with a mom who did almost everything for me.

Alright, I'm totally NOT a housewife or homemaker -- I'm a musical-maker really, but the world just hasn't recognized this yet! When I completed my census form I checked the "unemployed" box, I guess closer to the truth?

Oh and I also watched Dr Phil today and read O Magazine. That really doesn't make it any better, does it?! :)

I guess labels don't really matter at the end of the day, but I do want to someday become that woman I know I can be.....

Midtown

Today I was in midtown for a little bit, right in the business district that used to be so familiar.... and now I can barely remember myself being a part of that hustle and bustle. The people my age in pressed pants running out to pick up Pax/Europa for lunch.... it just seems so far away.