11 years later

Eleven years later it's clear to me: 9/11/01 was the line in the sand between my childhood and adulthood, the end of innocence. I had moved to NYC for college exactly two weeks prior and had already met many of the Barnard friends who would take me through the next decade and beyond. It was just two months before I'd reconnect with Jake (now my husband) in the city of our dreams. It was the first time I'd lived anywhere besides the suburban New Jersey house I grew up in.

As a child I would lie awake in bed worrying about nuclear war, AIDS, destruction of the rainforests and ozone layer.... but thankfully nothing really bad seemed to happen in my insular little world until I realized on 9/11 that evil was real. And I don't mean black and white Good vs. Evil personifications because I think it's much more complicated than that. But I learned that people could commit horrific crimes against humanity while steadfastly believing they are doing the "right" thing. I'm really lucky that I didn't experience anything so personally terrifying while I was a child. 

In Jewish tradition, a glass is broken at the end of the wedding ceremony. One interpretation is that it signifies "forever" because the glass has been permanently changed and cannot be put back together. I loved doing this at my and Jake's wedding in 2005 because I felt we were changed forever, embarking on a joyful journey that only moved forward, no going back.

For me, it's also a relevant metaphor for tragic events of great magnitude. I felt that my city, my generation were able to clean up the glass, move forward, choose love and compassion over ignorance and hate. But the glass can never be put back together, and we can never regain what was lost.

"The world only spins forward" (Tony Kushner)
"You can't go home again" (Thomas Wolfe) 
Both of these statements ring true to me as I reflect on how it felt to grow up in an instant. 

Today I want to be the child innocent enough to see the good in everyone and everything, and also the adult wise enough to know that life is short and that it's our duty to leave the world better and more beautiful than we found it. I want to be the person who never, ever forgets.

Changes to the blog

Hey everyone, it's been a while and I apologize for that! I've decided to come back to blogging but with a slightly different focus: instead of a run-down of what I'm up to, I'd like to muse on topics I find relevant. Hopefully this will be more interesting to read (and write!). Don't worry, I won't get too serious.

Now would be a lovely time to subscribe, if you are reading this! I know lots of people read via personal blog feeds (I'm partial to Friendfeed.com myself) but if you also want to subscribe to the Blogger site I'll feel slightly less unpopular! :)

A rundown

Oops, haven't written anything for a couple of weeks. Here's a basic list of some stuff I've been up to, in mostly-chronological order courtesy of my too-detailed daily log:

--volunteered at a nursing home and a soup kitchen

--attended two BBQs in one day

--read a college nostalgia book called COMMENCEMENT (recommended esp if you went to Barnard or a Seven Sisters school)

--had about 11 bizarro dreams

--dress rehearsal/tech/opening and first two performances of a show I produced (went so well)

--hosted my dear friend at my apartment for four nights and had a blast

--got my first pedicure of the summer

--was asked by a respected theatre producer to do a freelance event which was fun and paid!

--attended the Barnard reunion: reconnected with great people; drank a few glasses of wine and ran for class president (a five minute commitment that will yield a lifetime of jokes at my expense, I hope); danced the night away on a boat (the Intrepid), yielding some terrible foot blisters which were all worth it to see my friends dance in sailor hats and make up songs about being on a boat; "bridged the sisterhood gap" by speaking candidly with members of the Barnard class of 1955 (a real treat); lounged on the lawn; drank my first-ever bubble tea; had one of the most enlightening discussions about feminism ever discussed while getting trashed at the Heights; and danced like a sweaty maniac on the Columbia Steps (though I didn't jump in the penis fountains like SOME people.....). A wonderful weekend!

--read Sarah Silverman's hilarious memoir THE BEDWETTER (recommended)

--met up with some MJ fans and discussed a charity event we are planning

--had a picnic lunch with one of my favorite ex-co-workers

So all in all, pretty good stuff! Besides the hangovers, nothing to complain about. Everything's coming up Neener!

Hoot! Hoot!

There is a reason I have continued to work on my musical and my play, both in progress for quite a few years. It's not only that I love them -- I think they are really getting good. I'm working on music to the musical right now (just taking a short breather at the moment) and I'm feeling good. It's so much better than it ever was before. I know I always say that, but this time -- woah, it's gonna be good.

And it's 3:28am. I'm officially a night owl. Hoot hoot!

Reflecting on 27

I turned 27 on Sunday and partied it up the previous Saturday night. May is full of friends' birthdays, graduations, my own wedding anniversary and a slew of other memorable dates for me, and during this month I've been reflecting on life. I feel pretty good about things in general. I feel I'm growing, but not growing up (and I hope I never do grow up).

I can't even express how lucky and blessed I feel to have the amazing friends that I do. There is a part of me that will always be that awkward middle-schooler who once called everyone on the 'class list' directory and still couldn't find anyone to go to the movies with so I ended up going with my dad and when we got there two girls who had turned me down were there together. Oy, that one's still upsetting. Deep breath! Having close friends I can share everything with, and being married to one of the them to boot, is a treasure I only dreamed of when I was growing up. As I get older, I want to make sure I take the time to cherish each friend as they deserve.

It dawned on me that this could be a good year because "27" is numerically close to my lucky number 9, with 2 + 7 = 9 and 27 = 9 x 3 (and 3 is even the square root of 9). Things seem to be lining up, with my creativity hitting a new place as I actually have time to do some work.... so maybe good things will happen careerwise this year.

Everything's coming up Neener at 27!

Music as sculpture

Yesterday as I was composing I realized that creating music is not always building something from raw materials, like I always thought, constructing from small pieces a la a building or a tapestry. Sometimes it's like sculpting: listening to everything and cutting away the NOISE to reveal what was there all along. I just have to really LISTEN.

Dusting off my tap shoes

I returned to dance class today after a yearlong absence (oops; I had gotten lazy and distracted by other things). I took a tap class with my favorite teacher after signing up a few days ago on a whim.

Class was tough having been out of it for so long and I thought I didn't do the best job, but at the end a woman recognized me from previous classes and complimented me on my tap sounds, and I felt better! I love the rhythm in my body and I want to make a commitment to go once a week.

And guess what -- the song we did our combination to was... "I Want You Back"! Michael Jackson, my favorite dancer of all time, was clearly saying to me, "I want you to come back to dance, give it another chance!" I can't let him down, so I definitely will be back soon.

The best that can happen

In the last few weeks I've had several invitations come my way, and I thought, "That looks pretty cool! But.... I'm not sure if I'll know anyone there / I'm not sure if new people will be nice / I'm not sure how to get there / I'm not sure what to wear, etc."

These days I am trying my best to put these minor anxieties aside and just do the thing that looks cool or interesting. And for the most part it's been a great success! I'm proud of myself for getting off my butt and getting out of my comfort zone recently.

When I attended a fundraiser for a show recently, I knew I'd only know two people there -- but I went and had a blast and enjoyed the company of the new people I met. Same can be said for a college alumnae networking event I attended -- I only knew one person who'd be there but I met several wonderful new friends. I also participated in two Earth Day events: a town hall meeting and a tree planting, and I felt fabulous after both and also made new friends.

Turns out that none of my worst-case scenario predictions came true in any situation: I didn't spend an evening standing in the corner alone, or wear the wrong thing, or say anything stupid. I wouldn't consider myself shy in social situations -- and certainly not with people I know well -- but in the past I realized I've shied away from situations where I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. But now I'm finding I really like meeting new people, and when people are coming together for a common goal, almost everyone is willing to talk with me. And when I get going, of course I LOVE to talk!

So anyway, I'm going to continue to push myself to try some new things even if they're a little intimidating. It's always easier to sit around and do nothing, but a little bit of effort to get out there can go a long way. The best that can happen is pretty great, and much more likely than the worst that can happen anyway.

On 110%

Lately I've been thinking a lot about people who really "give their all" to their work. That 110% that people speak of -- a concept that both stresses me out and doesn't seem mathematically possible. I've always seen myself as someone who gives my all, and I certainly tell that story to myself, but do I really? If so, why do I accomplish so little?

I was just watching Oprah and she interviewed people with "dream jobs" such as florist to the stars and celebrity cake chef. Not my idea of a dream job, but I understand that people admire the creativity and autonomy that those positions offer. The first woman interviewed was the executive creative director for J Crew, and her cliched but true job tip was to do what you love and give 110%.

I think I gave 90-100% in my favorite position at my old company, but if I critique myself honestly, I didn't put quite as much of myself into the last position I filled there. I always say that last job wasn't a good fit for me (and objectively it wasn't -- my bosses, colleagues, friends, and an alumni career counselor all agreed), but would it have been at all different if I had given more, if I wanted to, or had to? But I wanted to do something else. So I am. But am I giving this 110%? I don't know, but I really, really want to.

I'm surrounded by the success stories of the people who fought hard for what they wanted. I'm 3/4 of the way done with the Moss Hart memoir Act One I previously mentioned, and I am so impressed by the persistence and dedication of the young Moss. Of course, professional theatre in the 1920s and early '30s was a very different world in many ways, with plays usually financed by one producer, cast and rehearsed in only a few weeks, etc. but there are some details that are so similar it could have been written yesterday. For instance, he gathers frequently for coffee with his young peers who also want to take the theatre by storm, and their frustrations seem to mirror the ones my friends and I have.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Moss Hart daily as I finish his book. And I can't help but notice all these young super-achievers in today's culture. Lady Gaga. Kat von D on LA Ink. Even the younger generation of musical theatre writers who are around my age but actually well-known in the theatre community. My age and younger! Oh man, I am freaking out about turning 27 with so little to show for my years so far.... (Note: this is not a passive aggressive wish for people to leave comments saying I have accomplished things.)

And I've been thinking about Madonna lately too, not only because the "Power of Madonna" Glee episode this week was AMAZING. I really do look up to her as a woman who kicks ass, does it her way, doesn't apologize, and doesn't become irrelevant with age. I re-watched the Truth or Dare movie the other night and I just get a kick out of watching her be bitchy and beautiful and demanding and driven. (This is getting too long to write more about Madonna at the moment, but I may tomorrow because I may have more to say!)

Anyway, I'm thinking about what it means to be truly driven. I really want to be, and I'm willing to take that hard look at myself to figure out what's working and what's not. This isn't high school anymore, where that 89.5% average got rounded up to an A and everyone was happy. It seems 89.5% isn't good enough when I'm competing with 110%. I actually used to be very proud of those 89.5's actually, because it meant I could get by with the minimal effort necessary to still get an A, and knowing I didn't waste a bit of my energy was kind of thrilling. When I had a good average going, I would figure out how low I could possibly score on the final exam and still get an A average for the class. And in college I certainly honed my system of knowing exactly how much effort I wanted to put in for which grade. It was all kind of a breeze really, and I feel like I've never really been challenged until now, as I'm trying to make my own path and be a success in a city and industry full of talented type-A perfectionists.

So now I really have to unlearn my laziness, kick my own ass, and figure out if 110% is really possible.

Getting back in gear

After a few days of feeling kind of "blah" and unscheduled, I feel like I'm getting it together again. Over the past couple of weeks I certainly spent too many days sleeping till 1 or 2pm, alternating between pajamas and yoga pants, and believing Oprah is my best friend.

What have I been up to? I began helping a dear friend/frequent collaborator produce a show in a festival this summer, and today we had callback auditions which were so much fun. It's so exciting to be back in the room where theatre is made, being near talented people doing their thing.

I also got my butt off the couch to two networking events recently: one for Barnard alumnae in the entertainment industry, and one fundraiser for a friend-of-friend's theatre production. Both were super fun and I met fabulous people at both. I realize I effing love theatre people; it's one of the main reasons I love the biz so much. I met several passionate, intelligent up-and-comers and I thank the stars that I live in a city chock-full of talent AND have Facebook to keep up with all of them!

This week also brought the news that the musical my husband has been working on going back several readings is officially planning on a Broadway opening. Great news indeed, and we both are pumped! We're not counting chickens before they hatch nor buying new opening night attire just yet, but I definitely am excited my husband will likely get another opportunity to work with a team he adores. (I should also mention that he has played a few one-off gigs recently with some great Broadway talent -- I'm too embarrassed to put their names here and have them come up in Google Blog Alerts, but I was so proud of him!).

Plus, one of my favorite people in the world will be moving back to NYC soon, and this feels like the best news of all! (She reads the blog but I really do feel it will usher in a new era of fun times.)

Anyway, I'm enjoying the nice spring weather, busting out my collection of spring jackets (my favorite segment of my wardrobe), and getting out of my funk, I hope. Everything's coming up Neener! :)

Moss Hart really gets it.

I'm currently reading ACT ONE, an autobiography by the playwright Moss Hart. I'm 100 pages in and it is fascinating, a must-read for every person involved with the theatre. I picked up this copy for $1 in a thrift shop in San Francisco, and it was one of the best single dollars I've ever spent (having never played the lottery, ever... ooh, there is a nice clean "never have I ever" for a future game!).

Back to the book -- one detail I particularly like is young Moss's first job in theatre in the 1920s: an "office boy" for a road producer with an office (where else?) in the New Amsterdam Theatre!

Moss Hart has an amazing way of describing the magic and the heartache of a life in the theatre. There are so many quotable passages, and here is just one that I read tonight. After a stint as an actor Moss decides he is not cut out for the profession:

"It was a conclusion I did not come to easily. I was wrestling with a dream that had satisfied the needs of my childhood, and the elements of fantasy attached to that dream ran deep and strong. To give it up, to let it go, was to relinquish a secret part of myself that had sustained me through the years."

He says this so much more eloquently than what I often refer to as "pleasing my fourteen-year-old self." I do a lot of stuff to make that girl happy, but she isn't here anymore! That was almost half a lifetime ago.... yet most of the decisions of my life go back to events that happened then. All the choices and ambitions of adulthood running back to a few key moments in childhood and adolescence.

An "H" word

I'm still a little off on my schedule, going to bed at about 4:15am last night. I wondered if the sun would be up soon! And a show called "Early Today" was on and I thought, "no, wait -- it's still yesterday!"

Today I feel like a total housewife. I did three loads of laundry, washed the dishes, and SCRUBBED the bathroom floor for the first time ever in this apartment (I didn't get a chance to do this when I moved in). The word "housewife" makes me almost throw up in my mouth a little though -- at least if I'm referring to myself. No judgment about other women's goals, but when I see myself through the lens of a married woman doing chores around the house, I feel like I'm letting down my feminist foremothers. Plus housewife sounds like you are married to a house. Somehow that "H" word has taken on semi-positive connotations (wealth, affluence) with the Real Housewives franchise, etc. but I can't really understand that!

However, the laundry still needs to get done, and my husband certainly does do his share of chores, with each of us contributing what we like best and are good at. He is a seriously good vacuum-er, bed-maker (with hospital corners!), and cat litter box scoop-er. But now that I don't have a traditional job to go to every day I'm certainly doing more around the apartment and it's a little weird, especially since I grew up with a mom who did almost everything for me.

Alright, I'm totally NOT a housewife or homemaker -- I'm a musical-maker really, but the world just hasn't recognized this yet! When I completed my census form I checked the "unemployed" box, I guess closer to the truth?

Oh and I also watched Dr Phil today and read O Magazine. That really doesn't make it any better, does it?! :)

I guess labels don't really matter at the end of the day, but I do want to someday become that woman I know I can be.....

Midtown

Today I was in midtown for a little bit, right in the business district that used to be so familiar.... and now I can barely remember myself being a part of that hustle and bustle. The people my age in pressed pants running out to pick up Pax/Europa for lunch.... it just seems so far away.

So off schedule, but feeling creative!

I feel exhilarated after fixing a song I've been working on writing for what seems like forever. The bridge was not fitting in at all -- too many notes, too many words, too much going on, so I went simple and I love what I have now. Weee! Then I danced all around my apartment loving my life for the moment, but unfortunately I think I sprained an ass muscle. I dance constantly but I've never felt this particular glute pain. Hopefully it will subside.

Also I feel like I can't sleep anytime soon... I've been hitting the hay around 3am these days anyway, which I should probably try to shift back to non-vampire territory so I can function with other humans? Perhaps....

5 Minutes

One productivity tip I just got from a favorite podcast, 30/20 Vision, is to immediately do any incoming task that will take 5 minutes or less. It's a good one I think.

Motivation follows action

The following have inspired me lately:

--Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, MD. A friend lent me this book and it has really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Reading it is like several amazing sessions with a cognitive therapist, in my opinion, and I've been recommending it to people. One particularly great chapter is called "Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It" and one thing I took away is the concept that motivation follows action, not the other way around. It's natural to think that one must "get motivated" somehow and then perform tasks, but in fact the act of doing something, ANYTHING, even if unrelated, will create motivation to do more. I also learned lots of other lessons which I may write about at another time. This is definitely I book I can see myself going back to again and again.

--The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Dr. Drew Pinksy and S. Mark Young. Another fascinating book which is both a careful look at modern-day celebrity behavior and youth culture, plus an invitation to examine your own narcissistic tendencies (which I admit I certainly do have.... does anyone write a blog and not have some narcissism?).

--The Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central. The latest episode made me guffaw with joy. I love the style of this show and it's inspiring me as I brainstorm a comedy web series.

Happy Andrew Lloyd Webber's birthday, everyone, and talk to you soon!

Structure please!

I definitely DEFINITELY need more structure in my life than I currently have, and I might be going crazy without it.

Today my mom reminded me that I've been in school since I was two and a half, during every summer I had pretty specific plans including camp, vacations, and work. Right after college I started work, and I didn't ever take off more than a week at a time once per year, and I always traveled during that time off. No wonder this is such a weird time for me right now.

On a previous blog entry, my wonderful friend Tania made these four suggestions and I'm really going to try them to get motivated. Right now I'm doing none of them. In her words:

1. Always have a plan for the day.
2. Have a consistent bedtime and wake-up time.
3. Get active.
4. Limit "screen time," meaning TV and computer, because it sucks me in, doesn't actually use up my energy nor give me energy, thereby putting me in a suspended state where I get nothing done but don't want to do anything BUT surf/watch.

I'll report back!

1:12pm, seriously?

I'm pretty impaired without my glasses; I can't even make out the time on the cable box across the room in the morning! Today I woke up naturally and squinted at the time. The blurry image looked short, only three digits for sure, so it must be either 8:00ish or 9:00ish, right? Nope, try 1:12pm. D'oh! I keep sleeping away the whole damn day! To be fair, I did stay up until 3:30am, but still, there is something to be said about missing all the precious daylight hours.

Okay, I am started to think I need a better plan than what I'm doing....

Making my outside as casual as my inside

A few months ago I considered jeans my casual pants. How times have changed!

While working:
Dressed nicely = lined dress pants/trousers
Medium = unlined non-denim pants
Casual = jeans

Now:
Dressed nicely = jeans
Medium = yoga pants
Casual = pajama bottoms

I'm starting to have this fantasy about wearing pajama bottoms everywhere.... I could be a trendsetter!

Also I now have days where I don't wear any makeup for the whole day. I don't think I've done this since I was like 12, and I know that sounds crazy. I formerly did not wear a LOT of makeup; I had a three step process: basic cover-up concealer, mascara, and lipstick -- and always the same brand and shade of each. And within the past year I worked in eyeliner and I think it works for me. So I guess now it's a four-step process, plus ensuring I haven't sprouted a third eyebrow in the middle of my forehead overnight.

Anyway, these days I've been emerging sans makeup when I go running, eat or shop locally, or hang around the apartment pretending to be productive but actually wasting my life. And I'm starting to feel comfortable showing my "real" face to the world in a way I never was in high school or college when I had to wear SOMETHING on my face nearly always. It's liberating and I feel good!

Don't worry though -- I promise I am still bathing, using deodorant, etc. If I write a post one day about eliminating those things, please contact me from a safe distance and tell me I've lost it. :)

How to get motivated?

I just Googled "how to get motivated" and read a bunch of un-useful websites and wikis. Blerg.

Today I saw my shrink and his main advice to me is to get out of the "grieving" stage of not having a job and get off my butt to do something, anything (well, he phrased this differently in his crazy Russian-accented way). But how, HOW DO I DO THIS, UNIVERSE? I've totally lost momentum and it's hard for me to do simple tasks these days. But then again, I did wake up today, get dressed, and leave the apartment, so today's not a total fail.